


Reflections on a Lifetime of Valentines

by Ovipositivity



Category: Original Work
Genre: Asexuality Spectrum, Awkward Romance, Eventual Romance, Multi, Sexuality Crisis, Valentine's Day, Valentine's Day Fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-22
Updated: 2020-07-22
Packaged: 2021-03-05 00:15:10
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,961
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25435252
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ovipositivity/pseuds/Ovipositivity
Summary: A reflection on important Valentine's Days in Teysa's life
Relationships: Teysa Paladine/Aliara Sylvan
Kudos: 4





	Reflections on a Lifetime of Valentines

2/14/92

Teysa Paladine always looked forward to Valentine’s Day. It wasn’t her favorite holiday, but for a seven-year-old, that was hardly unusual. There weren’t presents, after all, and she didn’t get it off school. There was, however, something satisfyingly  _ orderly _ about Valentine’s Day. She had, in her backpack, a signed card for every one of the twenty-nine other students in her class. Each one had a lollipop attached to it by a thin red ribbon. Each name had been laboriously printed the night before by a hand still struggling to properly grip a pencil. Some of the letters were crooked, sure, but they were all there, and all in the right order. Her mother had made sure of that.

Pink was Teysa’s favorite color in the whole world, and on Valentine’s Day everything was pink. So she liked that. She also loved candy, and on Valentine’s Day, she always went home with her mouth sticky and her tummy pleasantly full. But what she really, really liked about Valentine’s Day was… well, it was something she wouldn’t be able to put into words for a few years yet, not until she read the word “symmetry” in a book and went to look it up. She walked into the classroom with 29 valentines, and she’d leave with 29. Everyone would get one from her, and she would get one from everyone. A place for everything, and everything in its place.

The ritual was part of it, of course: comfortingly familiar, well-honed over years of practice. Miss Moiety’s class would sit in a big circle, and one by one they’d stand up and walk around passing out their cards. The rote “thank yous” were as much a part of Valentine’s Day as the candy and cards. Teysa’s last name, nestled comfortably in the middle of the alphabet, left her sitting in her seat until halfway through the ceremony, which suited her just fine. She looked up as Jane Anglin handed her a miniature chocolate bar, mumbled her thanks as Tony Dewar gave her a pack of gum, and gratefully accepted Jesse Klein’s offered Blow Pop.

Thomas Lorimer was the last one to go before Teysa. He sat just to her right, but as all of the children in her class circled the ring of classmates counter-clockwise, hers was the last desk he reached. She looked up at him, a placid smile plastered across her face, waiting for her candy so she could recite the magic words and take her turn. Thomas, though, wasn’t looking back at her. Thomas wasn’t looking anywhere but the floor. Thomas was  _ scared _ .

She wondered why. It was plain enough to see: the sweat on his forehead, the way his hands shook. Teysa never questioned how she could tell what people were feeling by looking at them. Wasn’t it  _ obvious _ ?

“Uh, uh, here you go, Teysa,” Thomas said, reaching into his bag and pulling out the last valentine. He did not hand it to her; he practically  _ threw _ it at her. She blinked in surprise, too startled even to thank him. He didn’t wait around to be thanked, either-- he dove for the safety of his desk as though he was fleeing a burning building.

Teysa looked down at the valentine on her desk. It was elaborate, far more than was standard for these affairs. Her own cards had Spiderman on them, making the kinds of silly jokes her dad liked. This one, though, was handmade. It consisted of two big pink construction-paper hearts, both glued to a central circle of purple paper. Someone had drawn industriously on the paper with crayons. Teysa squinted at the picture. It looked like two stick figures, identical but for their hair: one short and brown, the other long and black. She reached up unconsciously to touch her own hair, which tumbled past her shoulders. The two stick figures were holding hands in the middle of the card. There was writing, too, but she couldn’t make it out-- the crayon had been shaking too badly. She looked around the room. The other students were staring at her with polite interest, probably waiting for her to stand up and begin her own candy deliveries. They all had valentines from Thomas, too, but they were simple things, just the same little disposable cards that everyone’s mom had bought them. Only hers was special.

She couldn’t figure it out. She looked at Thomas, but he flinched away, trembling. He looked like he was about to cry.  _ Why? _ Teysa simply didn’t understand. All of a sudden her head felt very heavy and hot. Something strange was happening, something she didn’t quite understand. She couldn’t put words around the strange, heavy, sinking feeling in her heart. And that evening, when she trudged home with her bag of valentines, she found that looking at Thomas’s made the feelings all come right back. She couldn’t make herself throw it out, though. She put it in her desk drawer, and the whole time she ate her candy, she could feel it staring at her.

2/14/98

Teysa’s locker was near the gym door, so normally, she tried to go there before lunch. If she waited until after she ate, then she’d usually be standing there sorting her books when the track team got out of practice, and that meant she’d have to stand there while they filled the hallway. It wasn’t just the sound of them, the stampeding tremor of two dozen adolescent boys and the babble of their inane conversations (Teysa had read the word “inane” in one of her novels the other week and now found occasion to use it at least twice a day). It wasn’t just the stink of them, either: raw and musky, disgustingly  _ male _ in a way that even health class hadn’t prepared her for. Gym socks weren’t the half of it.

It was the looks. Even with her back turned, she could feel them. The looks started at her shoulders (too broad, way too broad for a girl, even a girl who’d gotten her growth spurt last summer). They descended from there, lingering on the bra strap that stubbornly showed through even her thickest shirts (but it wasn’t like she could  _ not _ wear a bra; her boobs had showed up last summer, too, without ceremony but with plenty of ache and embarrassment). When the looks reached her butt (too fat, the fattest in the whole eighth grade, everyone said so), they were joined by the whispers. At this point, Teysa’s cheeks were usually burning, and she buried her head in her locker until the stampede had receded into the distance.

Not today. Today, she lingered by her locker even after putting her Biology book on the shelf and taking out Folk History. Today, she stood with the locker door open, shielding her from the curious glances of any passersby, staring at the stickers she’d carefully picked out: Chironz, the centaur-fronted boy band, and Law and Order: FCU, her favorite show. Not even these talismans could calm her racing heart. She shuffled closer to her locker and dared to peek into the paper bag sitting on her shelf. Inside was the card she’d made up for Dyfed.

Dyfed ap Gwydd was, in Teysa’s mind, the only thing that made this locker situation bearable. Dyfed was part fae, but the only hint (besides his name… but mostly, he went by David) was the faint cobalt glow behind his irises. Dyfed sat in front of her in first period, and she was always,  _ always  _ early to class so she could watch him walk to his seat. Dyfed’s name featured prominently in her journal, the journal her mom either didn’t know about or pretended not to know. Dyfed smiled at her when they ran into each other in the library. She’d written “Teysa ap Gwydd” in tiny, cramped cursive in the margins of her notebook over and over and over, and over and over and over she’d torn out the offending notes and ripped them up over the toilet. 

But today… today she was going to give him her card. It wasn’t much, really, just a drawing she’d made of a fae king on a bramble-covered throne. She’d basically copied it from pictures in her Folk History textbook. And there was a poem. She’d agonized over it for hours, and the shredded paper shrapnel littering her bedroom floor was a testament to how hard it had been to get right. 

She was pretty sure she had, though. She read the lines again, just in case they’d maliciously changed themselves since last night. They were… well, she wasn’t  _ great _ in English class, but they seemed fine to her. And the drawing was pretty good, if she did say so herself. And (because Teysa was nothing if not scrupulously honest with herself), even if the card and the drawing weren’t that good, boys at this age weren’t too choosy. Ever since she’d come back to school with her shirts feeling uncomfortably  _ full _ , she’d gotten used to unwanted attention. It might be nice to have some  _ wanted _ attention for once.

That thought, though, came with a worm of worry that burrowed into her gut. So what if he liked it? What if he  _ really _ liked it? What if he asked her to become his girlfriend? Wasn’t that what she wanted? In the abstract, sure, but now that the possibility was looming on the horizon she wasn’t so sure. What if he wanted her to touch his  _ thing? _ Sarah Bycroft had sucked on Tharg Bonechewer’s  _ thing _ in the bathroom, everyone knew that. She said it made her jaw hurt. Dyfed was cute, but Teysa didn’t think she wanted to… to go that far with him. Just holding his hand would be nice. Or snuggling up on the couch to watch Law and Order.

She thought back to health class, and the whispered conversations that she sometimes overheard in the girls’ room. He’d want to put his hands under her shirt. Wasn’t that why all the boys stared at her? And maybe even in her pants, too. She wasn’t sure about the shirt, and she was pretty sure that her pants were off limits. What would her parents say? They’d raised her better than that. How could she look her little sister in the eye if she let Dyfed finger her under the bleachers, like Marcy Kravalho? 

A chill ran up her spine. This was all happening so fast. She had arrived at school terrified that he wouldn’t want her card, and now she was terrified that he  _ might _ .

The bell rang and she stood up so sharply she banged her head on her door. Before she could head to class, the gym door banged open, and a stream of young men began pouring out of it. Their stink rolled with them like a cloud, and following it came a dull roar of conversation. She caught a few snippets-- “Valentine” and “date,” and, she thought, “suck.” A few pairs of eyes landed on her and slid, as if drawn by magnets, to her chest. She was about to turn back to her locker when she caught a glimpse of Dyfed.

His forehead was slick with sweat, his hair pushed back. He was chatting with another boy, one Teysa didn’t know, but as though feeling her eyes on him he broke off the conversation and turned towards her. Their eyes met, and for a moment her heart stopped beating. Everything was in that gaze: everything gentle and kind and caring and sweet. Dyfed smiled at her, and she grinned shyly back. She reached into her locker to grab the card, and froze. Dyfed was still looking at her, but his eyes weren’t meeting hers anymore. They’d dropped, and they were now locked directly on her breasts. 

Teysa whirled around, her cheeks coloring, and pressed herself as far into her locker as she could get. She didn’t turn back until Dyfed and all of his friends were a fading echo. And when she got home, she dropped the card down a sewer grate.

2/14/02

“So who are you going with?” Mayberry snapped her gum to punctuate her question. It wasn’t directed  _ at _ anyone, really; it was just a question for the table. Mayberry may have been seven inches tall, but she had  _ presence _ , and she was the undisputed queen of lunch period. She could really keep a conversation going, for one thing.

“Uh, probably Jason,” said Tamara Phelps. Of course Tamara was the first to chime in. Tall, slender, she had this self-effacing way of speaking that let you really believe that she might not know how beautiful she was. She knew, of course, but she wasn’t stuck-up about it. And of course she was going to prom with Jason Bridgens. The two of them had been inseparable for two years. They were practically joined at the hip. Even the  _ teachers _ knew. Mayberry rolled her eyes and flicked a pea off her toothpick, which bonked Tamara right between the eyes. The pixie girl blew a raspberry.

“Pbbbth! Boring. Everyone knows who  _ you’re _ going with, Tammy. I’m asking everyone else. Dates? Ladies? Come on, it’s Valentine’s Day! They’re gonna be asking you soon if they haven’t yet!”

“Alexander Shelton, I think,” said Maisy Monroe. She was small, quiet, with crinkly red hair and glasses, but she’d been first-row clarinet in the school band for two years running. Nobody expected her to say anything other than another band kid, and she didn’t let them down. Alex Shelton was too  _ handsome _ to be a band geek, really, but anyone who’d spoken to him about violin for more than a minute or two (and it was very difficult to keep violin-related conversations with Alex shorter than five minutes) knew that he had a real passion for it. The assembled girls nodded. Alex was a wise choice.

“Justin Song,” said Larki. She looked around at the surprised stares she was getting. “What? What’s wrong with Justin?”

“Uh, nothing,” Mayberry said, recovering quickly. “But we expected you… you know, we expected you to go with someone more…”

“Orcish?” Larki asked. She bared her tusks. “Seriously? You bitches! I’m half human too, you know!”

“All right! All right!” Mayberry held up her hands in a gesture of mock surrender. “You got us! Get you some, girl! I don’t blame you. I’m going with Colin Fortrak.” She grinned wickedly. “You know I like the human boys.” She made a complicated two-handed gesture that sent the rest of the table into hysterics. “Know what I mean?”

“What about Teysa?” asked Maisy. The other girls looked over to where their last companion sat, at the end of the row, hunched over her lunch tray. Teysa slouched lower, letting her thick dark bangs cover her face. Hopefully, they’d be enough that the others wouldn’t see her blushing.

“Yeah! Teysa, what’s up?” Tamara asked. “We have space in our limo if you want.”

Teysa held up a hand to show she was still chewing. In truth, she was delaying, trying to think of something quickly. She’d hoped that the girls would have forgotten about her. That wasn’t really fair-- they were her friends, or she wouldn’t sit with them. But as they’d grown together, they’d grown apart, and the gradual but steady re-orienting of the conversation towards boys over the past year and a half had driven a wedge between them that she wasn’t sure she could even begin to explain.

Finally, she could delay no more. She swallowed and cleared her throat. “I… I don’t think I’m going,” she confessed.

The pitying looks the rest of the table gave her only made things worse. “Aw, Tey,” Mayberry said, her voice uncharacteristically soft. “We can find you a date. Plenty of-”

“No, hang on!” interrupted Maisy. She raised one finger, like a cartoon professor announcing a discovery. “I know,  _ for a fact _ , that Jonas Karlo plans to ask you to prom. I heard him talking to Alex about it after practice.”

“He asked,” Teysa said, in the quietest voice she could manage. “I said no.”

“You did?!” asked Tamara, Maisy and Mayberry, all at once. “What the hell, girl? What were you thinking?”

“Jonas is  _ cute _ ,” Larki put in. “And I heard he’s… you know.” She waggled her eyebrows and made her own gesture, a bit cruder than Mayberry’s but no less informative.

“There’s nothing wrong with Jonas!” Teysa said. “I just… can’t go to prom this year. I’ll be busy. Family thing. You know how it is, I can’t get it off.”

Mayberry pouted. “Well, it won’t be the same without you there. Your family knows it’s prom, right? It happens  _ one time _ .”

Teysa gave her a “what-are-you-gonna-do?” shrug. “Sorry,” she managed. “Have fun.”

The conversation shifted away from prom, and Teysa finished her lunch in silence. She found she wasn’t very hungry, anyways… something dark was gnawing at her gut.

On the night of prom, she sat at home, writing and deleting the same LiveJournal entry over and over and over. Tears beaded the corners of her eyes and she blinked them back. Eventually, her mom invited her to watch Law and Order and eat ice cream together, and Teysa gratefully accepted. The two of them huddled on the couch, swaddled in blankets.

“Mom,” Teysa asked, during the second commercial break. “When you met Dad, did you know he was… the one?”

Her mother smiled. “Well, not right away. It took a couple of dates first.”

“But you knew you wanted to date him?”

“Of course. From the second I laid eyes on him.” Her mother sighed. “He was a fine figure of a man, your dad.” She caught herself, and chuckled. “Still is, when he shaves.” She turned to her daughter. “Why? Are you thinking about dating someone?”

“I’m not sure,” Teysa asked. And in that, at least, she was being completely honest.

2/14/04

Teysa cursed as, for the fourth time, the lipstick veered off course. She licked her thumb, rubbed it against the the smear, and cursed again as her efforts did no more than smudge. The sink beneath her was littered with pink-stained cloths soaked in makeup remover, and she sighed and picked up another one. 

This was a lot more trouble than it was worth. She wasn’t even sure why she was bothering to get dressed up. This wasn’t  _ her _ . And she wouldn’t be staying long. But James was a nice boy, and he’d treated her well during their two short months of dating, so she planned to be polite to him. She’d wanted to have this conversation last week, but before she could, he’d excitedly told her about his Valentine’s Day reservations at Qioru, the sidhe restaurant downtown. Somehow, that had stopped her tongue, and now it was too late to do anything but go. This wasn’t going to be an easy evening, but she’d make it as painless as possible.

She wrestled her face into the best shape she could get it into, looked at the time, and immediately started panicking all over again. She practically  _ flew _ down the stairs, out of her dorm, and into the street, cannoning past startled professors and lovestruck young couples. Overhead, the moon had just risen and the stars were starting to come out-- only faintly visible behind the glow of the streetlamps, but up there nevertheless. Teysa ran to the taxi stand with her arms waving frantically over her head, and by some kind of Valentine’s Day miracle, a cabbie picked her up within thirty seconds.

The cabbie himself was somewhat less miraculous; he was an aging faun, his horns worn down to nubs, smoking a thick cigar that filled the cab with pungence. Teysa thought about waiting for another cab, but she was likely to be late as it is. “Seventeenth and Elm, please!” she panted, and the faun grinned. 

“Fancy valentine’s dinner, eh?” he asked as they pulled away from the curb. “I’ll bet. Lovely lady like you, some guy’s probably sittin’ wondering what lottery he won, right?” He chuckled.

_ I hope not _ , Teysa thought to herself. Out loud, she managed a feeble, “uhhh, maybe.”

“Have a good one, beautiful,” the faun said as they arrived at the restaurant. He covered the farebox with one hairy hand. “For you, no charge.”

Teysa stumbled out of the cab, mumbling her thanks, and tottered towards the restaurant. Now that she wasn’t panicking quite as much, she had time to remember just how hard it was to walk in heels. She almost turned an ankle twice, but managed to make it into the vestibule. The maitre d’ glided up to her, but before she could open her mouth, she saw James waving from a side booth.

“Th-that’s my table,” Teysa said, pointing. The maitre d’ grinned.

“Of course, madam. Enjoy your evening.”

Teysa hobbled over to the table and sat down. James grinned at her across the table with that same manic energy that had brought them together in the first place. He was tall, even taller than her (a thing not too many men could say) but slim. He wore an impeccable grey suit and a red boutonniere. “Teysa, dear!” he said, kissing her hand. “You look gorgeous tonight.” He reached down behind him and, like a magician performing a trick, swept his hand up to reveal a bouquet of roses.

Teysa stared at the flowers for a moment, then realized he expected her to take them. She did so, picking up the stems gingerly so as not to prick herself on the thorns. She laid them down on the table next to her plate and forced herself to smile. 

“How was class?” James asked. He reached out and laid a hand on top of Teysa’s. “Did you turn in that paper you were worrying about?”

“Yes, thanks,” Teysa said, gently withdrawing her hand. “Thanks for the edits, too. They really helped.”

“No problem,” James said with a smile. He threw his hands up. “Look at this place! Incredible, huh? Hard to believe it’s just a couple miles from campus. Everything looks so good!”

“It really does,” Teysa said, without looking at the menu. “James-”

“They have a prix fixe option, too. Do you think we should go for that? It’s a little pricey, but it’s supposed to be really good.”

“James,” she said again, a little more insistently this time. He met her eyes, a quizzical expression on his face. She swallowed hard and tried again. “James, I don’t think I can do this.”

“Do… dinner?” he asked. “What’s wrong? Are you feeling sick? We can reschedule-”

“No, not that.” Teysa fumbled for words. “This whole… dating… thing. I don’t think it’s working out.”

“Oh.” James slumped in his seat. His eyes fell to the table. “I… oh.”

“Oh, James,” she said, sorrow welling up in her heart, “I’m sorry. It’s not you. It really isn’t. You were lovely.”

“What, then?” he asked, his voice leaden.

“I just… I don’t know, it’s such a cliche, but it’s me. I don’t… I don’t know, really, or understand. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately, and I just… I can’t make it fit.” She was babbling now, trying to put into words the half-formed thoughts that had been keeping her up at night. “I don’t think I can date guys right now, I just… I don’t know what I want. I don’t know  _ if _ I want anything. And it’s not fair to put you through that. I’m sorry, James, I never wanted to hurt you.” She reached out and took his hand, squeezed it. It felt limp and clammy between her fingers.

“You’re a good man, James. You’ll find someone else. Someone who has her shit figured out better than I do. I just… I can’t be that woman right now.” She took the flowers and held them out protectively in front of her. “These are beautiful. Do you want them back?”

“No, they’re yours,” James said woodenly. He looked up at her with tears drying on his cheeks. “I’m sorry, Teysa. I wish I could be what you’re looking for. I really liked you, you know.”

“I know, James,” she said, and now she was crying too. “I… I should go.” She whirled, held up her skirts with one hand, began marching for the door.

“Wait!” James threw out one hand. Teysa shook her head and moved faster. She didn’t look back, not even to check if James was following her. 

2/14/07

“You’re breaking  _ up _ with me?” Teysa had to repeat herself, if only to convince herself that this was really happening. She stared in wide-eyed confusion as Lillian, her girlfriend of the past six months, piled her possessions into a cardboard box. Not that many possessions, really: Lily still had her own place, and kept little more than a toothbrush at Teysa’s. Still, it hurt to see those few things go: the framed picture of them at SylvanFest, the half-finished needlepoint Lily sometimes frittered away at before bed.

Lily’s only answer was to speed up, so Teysa asked the only question she could think of: “Why?” She wasn’t crying. In fact, she felt oddly numb. It felt like this was all happening to another person, some distant Teysa orbiting the planet on an artificial moon.

Her question, at least, got Lily’s attention. The other woman tossed her half-full box down on the bed and looked up at Teysa. Her eyes blazed. “I kind of need my girlfriend to be, you know,  _ gay _ ,” she spat. She looked Teysa up and down. “And that’s not you, is it?”

“What are you  _ talking _ about?” Teysa asked. She let out a choked-off bark of laughter. “ _ Of course _ I’m a lesbian! I’m a lady cop! How many of us  _ aren’t _ gay?” Strictly speaking, that wasn’t true, but Teysa was willing to lean into offensive stereotypes if it helped keep her girlfriend around.

Lily rolled her eyes. “Oh, come on, Tey. Who do you think you’re fooling? You’re butch, I’ll admit it, but that doesn’t make you gay all by itself.” Her expression softened slightly, and when she spoke next, her tone was more conciliatory. “Look, there’s nothing  _ wrong _ with it. It’s just… for a relationship to work, both people have to want to be with each other, you know? That’s just basic stuff.”

“Is this about the guy I dated in college?” Teysa asked, knowing it wasn’t. “I told you, that was like two months, I was still figuring things out! I didn’t even sleep with him!”

“Now that, I believe,” Lily said. She squared her hands on her hips. “You know why? Because it’s been six months and you still won’t fuck  _ me _ .” 

Teysa winced slightly at the profanity, and a little harder at the accusation. “That’s… I’m… I’m working on it, ok?” She hated the desperation in her own voice. “I just came out, all right? One step at a time.”

“Yeah, well, maybe it’s not fair for me to expect you to catch up all at once, but it’s not really fair for  _ you _ to expect  _ me  _ to just put my sex life on hold in the middle of my 20s! And really, Tey, it’s not just the sex.” Lillian sighed and sat down on the bed. Teysa hovered a few feet away, uncertain if it would be appropriate to sit down. Her fingernails dug into her palms, but she couldn’t unclench her fists.

“If it was just the sex thing, maybe I’d have a little patience, we could talk about opening the relationship up, whatever.” Lily sighed. “It’s not, though. It’s everything. You won’t hold my hand in public. You didn’t come to my open mic.”

“I told you, I had-”

“A shift, yes, you said. Other people take time off work for their partners, Tey. I know they’d give it to you. You haven’t taken so much as a sick day as long as I’ve known you. I just feel like…” she trailed off, gesturing vaguely at an idea that she couldn’t quite put into words.

“I feel like I’m doing all the work here. Relationships are hard, Tey. Loving someone is hard. Maybe it’s harder than you think it is.”

“I do love you!” Teysa exclaimed. “I do, really! I’m sorry, I can take some more time off work, I can-”

“You can, sure,” Lily replied. “But you don’t want to. You’d do it as an obligation. And you say you love me, and maybe it’s even true, but I don’t know how far that goes. I love my friend Etsi dearly. But I wouldn’t want to date her. Maybe that’s you and me, Teysa. Maybe you just love me as a friend. And that’s wonderful, because you are a good person and a good friend, but that’s not what a relationship is, and it can’t be enough for me.” She stood and crossed the room in two quick strides. Teysa flinched back slightly as Lily reached for her, but the other woman merely took one of Teysa’s large hands in both of her own, daintier ones.

“I dunno, Tey. Maybe I’m wrong. I’ve wanted to be wrong this past month. I’ve lain awake thinking about it. Maybe you just express love a little differently. Show me. It’s Valentine’s Day, after all. Kiss me.” She raised her face to Teysa’s and closed her eyes.

She was so beautiful, Teysa reflected. A head shorter than Teysa, but possessed of a coiled dynamism that the larger woman had never found in herself. Short blonde hair, a narrow nose, a strong chin and smooth cheeks. Teysa bent down awkwardly and planted a kiss on the corner of Lily’s mouth. She felt terribly clumsy, like a tottering ogre. She did the best she could, but even in the moment she could tell it wouldn’t be enough. Lily’s skin felt alabaster-smooth under her lips, but that was all: it was like kissing a statue. Teysa withdrew and straightened up in time to see Lily open her eyes again.

“I’m sorry,” Teysa whispered, and Lily shook her head.

“No, Tey. I’m sorry. I wish you the best of luck, I really do. I hope you find what you’re looking for.”

She finished packing in silence and left, leaving her key in the glass bowl by the door. After she had gone, Teysa sat on the edge of her bed for a long, long time.

The numbness was still there, but it was melting, and beneath the thaw she felt an odd mixture of emotions: grief, anger, and strangest of all,  _ relief _ . Perhaps she’d known something like this was coming and had hidden that knowledge from herself. Perhaps it was for the best after all.

She thought back to the pile of diaries in the shoebox under her bed. She didn’t need to dig them out: she could remember some of those entries verbatim. Middle school. High school. College. The boys she’d liked, the girls, the crushes, the fear. Maybe she’d been going about this all wrong.

She checked the time. Law and Order started in twenty minutes. The bodega five minutes away had wine… nothing good, but passable reds, at least. She’d just gotten paid. The rest, as they say, was just math.

2/14/12

“Silver?”

“No, Sylvan. Her name’s Sylvan. She’s a half-elf.” The duty officer rechecked his clipboard and nodded. “Looks like she just graduated.”

“They’re giving me a rookie  _ again _ ?” Teysa scowled. “Seriously, Jonas, this is bullshit. I’m going to complain.”

Jonas shrugged. “Don’t let me stop you,” he said in a bored voice. “Just don’t expect too much.” He yawned, displaying a mouthful of fearsome canines; this close to the full moon, all of the werewolf officers were looking distinctly feral.

“I’m supposed to be up for detective this year!” Teysa said desperately. “How the hell am I going to make the numbers I need if I get saddled with a new rookie every six months? Someone up there hates me.”

“Nobody hates you, Teysa,” said someone behind her. Teysa whirled to see Sergeant Scholk stepping into the room. He looked he was just coming off duty; his uniform had acquired that distinctly rumpled end-of-shift look. He’d removed his hat, revealing the bald spot he carefully combed over, and held a coffee mug in his hands that said  _ World’s #27 Dad _ in big block capitals. Scholk smiled and sipped his drink.

“We give you rookies because you can handle ‘em, Paladine. You’re self-reliant. You don’t go to pieces when your partner fucks up. That’s a valuable trait, officer, you should be proud.”

“But sir,” Teysa protested, “my clearance rate-- I know it could be better, I know it could, but I’m always looking-”

“Don’t worry about your rate, Paladine,” Scholk said. “We see what you’re doing, don’t you worry. I know you’ve had your eye on detective. Trust me, I’ve been talking you up to everyone on the promotions board.”

Teysa sagged. Further complaints would do her no good, she knew that. She’d been declined for detective twice, and she had no reason to expect this time would be different. Maybe this was to be her fate: Teysa Paladine, rookie trainer, from here to the end of eternity.

Scholk seemed to mistake her weariness for acceptance. He clapped her on the shoulder. “Chin up, constable,” he said, “and keep up the good work. And you! Jonas, you ol’ hound dog, what are you doing tonight?” He turned to the duty officer, Teysa seemingly already forgotten.

“Got a date.” Jonas bared his fangs. “Nice bitch, fresh off the boat from Carpathia. We’re going out to dinner.”

“Where, the dumpster behind La Pomme?” Scholk laughed, and Jonas answered back with the peculiar chuffing noise that was his closest equivalent to a laugh. 

“You guessed it. What about you, sarge? Going to take the missus out?”

“Ah, nothing too fancy. Flowers, though, she loves flowers. That and getting a babysitter who won’t flake out means I just might get lucky tonight. Maybe.” He sighed wistfully. “Ah, young love.”

As if suddenly remembering Teysa, he started to turn towards her, but she had already gone. He turned just in time to see the door click shut. “Wonder what she’s got going on?” he asked Jonas, who shrugged expressively.

“Probably a double shift,” the werewolf suggested. “Then…  _ bzzzzzzzz _ .” He held up his pen in a two-handed deathgrip, vibrating it as fast as he could. Both men laughed aloud.

Down the hall, Teysa shook her head. She hadn’t heard everything, but what she had heard hadn’t thrilled her. It came with the territory, she supposed. Not too many men, not even police officers, were eager to sexually harass a 6’5” woman, but they talked plenty when they thought she couldn’t hear. She’d gotten used to it by now: the rumors, the questioning looks. She’d never mentioned a partner, and she’d let people believe what they wanted to. Her focus was the job.

Right now, at least, the job wasn’t providing much solace. Teysa found her new partner in the motor pool. She didn’t look like much: five foot five, six maybe, with olive skin and copper hair spilling out from underneath her regulation-issue police cap. She looked like a flaky shopkeeper, the kind who sold incense and dreamcatchers and stuff, but for the uniform. Her voice did little to dispel the impression: it was light and tinkly, like someone ringing a bell.

“Wow! You’re Teysa, huh?” The half-elf’s eyes widened as they took in the imposing bulk of her new partner. It was a familiar look, and one that Teysa had long ago ceased to be offended by.

Teysa grunted assent. “And it’s Constable Paladine, while we’re on duty. Lance-constable Sylvan.”

Her new partner blushed. “Of course! Sorry sir- ma’am, sorry!” She ripped off an enthusiastic salute, which Teysa returned without much ceremony. They’d given her a dossier on this new rookie, which she skimmed.

“So, officer… Sylvan. Says here you’re twenty-three? Graduated in January?”

“Yes, ma’am!”

“And why’d you decide to join the force?”

“Sick of getting arrested, ma’am!” Sylvan made a face, as though she’d just heard herself for the first time. “Sorry, bad joke. I wanted to help people. Not too many Folk officers. I thought I might-”

“Sounds good,” Teysa said, hoping to cut off a long and boring conversation before it got going. “You ever been on patrol?”

“Patrol? Like in a car?” Officer Sylvan’s eyes went to the fleet of burnished Crown Vics sitting in the motor pool. “We learned about it in the Academy a bit, but I haven’t actually been out on-”

“Get in,” Teysa said, pointing to the nearest car. She sighed. “No, not in the back. You know you can’t open those from the inside, right?” She reached out and unlocked the door to let an embarrassed Sylvan out. “Just get in the passenger seat. We’ll do a nice easy route today.”

Outside, it was frigid, and the streets were still crusted with dirty slush from last week’s storm. Teysa took her regular route nice and slow. Even with the sidewalks mostly clear, the cold was keeping people indoors. She told Aliara about their route, about the importance of keeping a close eye out, about when to call for backup and when not to. Despite appearances, the half-elf was a quick study, and some of the questions she asked impressed and surprised Teysa. 

They stopped after about an hour for coffee. “No donuts,” Teysa cautioned as she parked the car. “You don’t wanna look like a stereotype.” She’d picked her regular diner, and the ichthys behind the counter greeted her with a friendly web-fingered wave. Outside, the wind howled against the windows, but it was nice and toasty by the heat of the griddle.

Teysa tried to keep the conversation steered towards work, but Officer Sylvan-- Aliara, as it turned out-- seemed to want to talk about everything. She was newly arrived in the city. She lived with roommates, two humans and a selkie. She’d wanted to be a cop since she saw Die Hard as a kid (it was her third favorite movie, after Fern Gully and Titanic). She was dating a musician named Holden, who played in a band. “They’re not good, but who gives a shit, right?” she said, laughing. “They mostly play house parties and stuff. Everyone’s too drunk to know if they’re good or not.”

“You probably shouldn’t be telling me these things,” Teysa said, trying to suppress her laughter. “I doubt these parties are properly permitted.”

Poor Sylvan looked stricken. “Oh no! I’m not going to get in trouble, am I?” she asked. “I swear, we never do dru-- we never do  _ illegal _ drugs, we’re really careful that everyone’s at least 21, I promise…”

“Relax,” Teysa said. “Your secret is safe with me.” She smiled. There was something about Sylvan she liked, something irrepressible. She hoped the job wouldn’t grind her down.  _ The way it ground me down, _ she thought, and that put a damper on her mood.

“Well, anyways, he’s taking me out to Saltback tonight,” Sylvan said, almost shyly. “The barbecue place. It’s not traditional Valentine’s stuff, but Holden’s not a traditional guy. That’s what I like about him. He says that we need to set our own expectations, and then fail to meet them.”

Teysa turned that over and around in her head a few times, but she couldn’t make it sound profound no matter how hard she tried. Sylvan seemed to come to the same conclusion. “What about you?” she asked, smiling brightly. “Got any special V-day plans?”

Now it was Teysa’s turn to blush. “Uh, nothing special, really,” she said. “I thought I might take a double shift. Get that overtime, you know?”

“Aw, honey!” Sylvan laid a hand on Teysa’s elbow. “You don’t have a special someone?” 

Something about the contact made Teysa uneasy. She gingerly lifted Aliara’s hand off of her, conscious the whole time of the delicacy of the half-elf’s fingers. “I’m single, yes. A word to the wise, Officer Sylvan. This isn’t really an appropriate workplace topic of discussion. And we are both on the clock.”

“Oh, I’m sorry,” Sylvan said. She sounded fearful. Had Teysa been too firm? “I’m not in trouble, am I?”

“No, you’re not,” Teysa said, finishing her coffee and abruptly standing up. “But it’s your first day. Let’s get back to it, shall we?”

2/14/15

Detective Paladine hesitated. She’d tried very, very hard over the past few years to make fear a stranger to her. She’d won commendations for bravery, like during the Stolzmann case, when she’d wrestled the perp’s orcish bodyguard into a submission hold. This, though… this was a different kind of bravery, and it was one she wasn’t sure she had in her.

Every year she’d had an excuse. Last year, Officer Sylvan-- Aliara-- had had a boyfriend. The year before, they’d still been working directly together, and fraternization would be inappropriate. But this year, she was Detective Teysa Paladine, and Aliara’s social calendar was open. Even after Teysa’s transfer, the two of them still talked regularly, and a few delicate and indirect questions (a skill Teysa had honed in her investigative career) had confirmed that the half-elf was between partners. Knowing Aliara, this was never more than a transitory circumstance, and Teysa had to strike while the iron was hot, if she was going to strike at all.

That was a big  _ if. _ She still wasn’t quite sure why she was doing this. She’d been single for a long, long time now, long enough to know that it was a comfortable state of being for her. What’s more, her few abortive attempts to be  _ not-single  _ now felt like a lifetime ago. She’d never been able to make it work with men  _ or _ women. She’d never even particularly wanted to. So why now? Why this woman? Why her?

Agonizing over these questions for a year’s worth of sleepless nights had not brought her any closer to an answer. She’d analyzed and hypothesized, discussed with herself, even tried prayer. Nothing brought her any closer to a resolution. There was nothing for it: she’d have to rip off the Band-Aid.

Aliara was coming off shift right around now, which meant she’d be by her locker. Teysa had studied her movements as carefully as those of any suspect. She knew just where to go and when. What she didn’t know, and probably wouldn’t until she opened her mouth, was what she was going to say when she got there.

Aliara looked up as Teysa entered. She’d been changing, and still wore her uniform top over jeans. “Oh, hullo, Tey,” she said with a grin. “What’s up?” Mercifully, the two of them were alone in the locker room.

Teysa cleared her throat.  _ This is it. Moment of truth _ . She groped for small talk, and realized her mistake. If she didn’t come right out with it, she probably never would.

“Aliara, would you like to get dinner with me tonight?”

The words all spilled out at once, tumbling over each other like rocks in an avalanche. Aliara stared blankly back at her, blinking once or twice. For a moment the room was silent.

“Ho-ly shit,” Aliara said, slowly. “Wow, you actually did it. Didn’t think you had it in you.”

Now it was Teysa’s turn to stare in confusion. “I… wha…” she mumbled.

“I wondered how long it would take for you to ask me out. Even odds said ‘never.’ But damn, woman, Valentine’s Day? You don’t do things by half measures, do you? You  _ commit _ .”

Teysa’s mouth opened and closed. She felt strangely weightless, as though she might float off at any moment. Her head spun. “I-”

“Yes, I’d love to. Did you have a place in mind?”

She had, but the moment had robbed Teysa of her faculties, and it took her a moment to process what she’d just heard. Part of her brain was still screaming  _ what if she says no!  _ while the other half screamed  _ she said yes, you idiot! _ , and neither part seemed to be listening to the other. Fortunately, she’d practiced in front of a mirror enough that muscle memory could take over from here.

“Qioru?” she asked. There was some reason she’d chosen the place, but in the heat of the moment she couldn’t remember what it was.

Aliara whistled. “The sidhe place? Well, I guess if you’ve got that detective fuck-you money. I usually go dutch on a first date, but I won’t cry if you pick up the tab this time.” She winked and began unbuttoning her uniform top. 

Teysa turned away abruptly, shielding her eyes with one arm. They’d changed in front of each other plenty of times-- you didn’t have that much privacy from your partner, after all-- but looking now seemed… wrong. “I’ll m-meet you at 7:30,” she stammered. “See you there!” She practically fled the dressing room without waiting for an answer.

She hadn’t really expected Aliara to say yes, but Teysa hadn’t gotten where she was by not being prepared. She wasn’t much of a gown person, but it never hurt to have something to wear at formal events. She tried it on again and looked at herself in the mirror. It was modest, at least, a long A-line with a high neckline and long sleeves. She still had heels, too, though there was too much snow out there to make them a serious consideration.  _ You have to have heels! _ screamed one of those voices from earlier-- she wasn’t sure which one-- so she packed them in her handbag, figuring she’d change at the restaurant. In their place she put on her heavy snow boots: thick, armored in plastic, fur-lined and salt-stained. The combination with the gown was less than electric, but it would do. 

Her hair was another story altogether. These days she wore it as short as she could get away with, and there was little she could do to style it. She ran a comb through it anyways to get rid of the most obvious knots, then checked her phone. 

_ Shit _ . She’d given herself 45 minutes to get to the restaurant, but it was already past seven. She gave herself one final, forlorn look in the mirror and ran for the door.

Somehow, she managed to stagger through Qioru’s front door at 7:29 on the dot. Breathing hard, wiping lank strands of hair out of her eyes, she scanned the restaurant for Aliara. The lights in here had been turned down, and it seemed that every table was its own little bubble for two. Couples-- some human, some not, and some mixed-- stared into each other’s eyes and laughed at private jokes. Hands caressed hands. Wine glasses sparkled in the candlelight. All at once, the manic energy that had propelled Teysa out of her door drained away.

_ What am I doing? I’m wasting my time. Didn’t I try this already? For years? It doesn’t work, Teysa. It’s not meant to be. Isn’t the job enough?  _

She hushed her doubts with difficulty and hustled for the maitre d’. “Uh, Paladine,” she said, and the woman scanned the reservation booklet.

“Ah! Yes, right this way. Your companion has already arrived.”

_ Already _ . Teysa felt a lump of lead drop into her stomach. How long had Aliara been waiting? She’d be mad. Had she said 7:30 earlier? She tried to remember. Maybe she’d said 7, and the half-elf had been waiting here for-

“Teysa!” Aliara’s voice was as warm and bright as ever. She stood as the maitre d’ approached and held out her arms. Her hair had been piled up atop her head in spiraling braids. Her cheeks were rouged, her eyes shadowed, and her lips shone arterial red.  She wore an off-the-shoulder chiffon gown with a plunging neckline that drew Teysa’s eyes downward… until she remembered herself and, clearing her throat, looked Aliara in the eye.

“Come! Sit down!” the half-elf said. “Please, make yourself comfortable. Sorry, I ordered wine already. I hope that’s ok. It’s a great vintage, I promise.” 

T eysa allowed herself to be led to the table and sat down. She moved like a sleepwalker. Indeed, all this felt like a strange dream she was having. She hadn’t  _ really _ asked her coworker-- until recently, her subordinate-- to a Valentine’s Day dinner, had she?

“I brought flowers,” Aliara said. She sounded almost shy. The bouquet in her hand was mostly roses, but Teysa could see a few stranger buds in there-- the shimmering, not-quite-real flowers of the elven hothouses. She took the bouquet in hand, holding it like an unexploded bomb. The fragrance rising off it made her head swim. “Get them in water as soon as you get home,” Aliara said. “The elven blooms don’t last too long outside of it. Beautiful, though, aren’t they?”

“They’re gorgeous,” Teysa breathed. The elven flowers seemed to shift their color slightly in the flickering candlelight: now red, now orange, now a flaming, scintillating pink. She laid the bouquet down carefully on the table side and folded her hands.

Something seemed to be called for. Now how did small talk go again? Teysa cleared her throat. “Uh, thank you for coming out tonight,” she began.

Aliara giggled and covered her mouth with one hand. The simple gesture made Teysa’s heart skip a beat, and she dissolved in a mess of “ers” and “ums.” “I… I hope you’re…”

“Shhh, Teysa, shhhh,” Aliara said, reaching across the table to take her hand. “You don’t go on many dates, do you?”

Teysa’s initial awkwardness melted like spring snow over the course of the meal. Maybe it was the wine-- she was drinking a bit more than she normally would-- but Aliara was matching her glass for glass and, despite her slighter frame, didn’t seem impaired in the slightest. They talked about everything under the sun: work (always Teysa’s first go-to in any conversation), the weather, movies, even the political situation in the city. “Oh, Mayor Moritz is  _ toast _ next cycle,” Aliara insisted, waving around a stuffed shrimp for emphasis. “He doesn’t have a  _ clue _ about Folk priorities. And without the magic vote, you can’t carry the city.”

“You think so?” Teysa asked. She was engrossed. She’d never cared about politics before, but the way Aliara explained it, it all seemed so vital and important. Dinner went by in a whirlwind, and Teysa even suggested dessert. That tiny voice from earlier promised dire vengeance at the gym later, but she found it easier and easier to ignore as the night went on. 

Outside, the night had grown colder, and the wind was picking up. Teysa still held the flowers tight against her side, inside her coat. “Brr!” Aliara declared. “Glad I’m not on duty tonight! Those cars don’t stay warm for shit.”

“They sure don’t,” Teysa agreed. She was still giddy from earlier, but it was dawning on her that soon she would have to say goodbye to Aliara. She’d see her tomorrow, of course… but that would be at work. They’d be colleagues again. The thought made her unutterably sad.

“You know what really does the trick on a night like this?” Aliara asked. “Elven  _ caryff _ . It’s like cocoa and tea all at once, with a little kick of cinnamon. Warms you right up. I’m going to have a cup the second I get home.”

“I’ve never had that,” Teysa said. “Where do you get it?” 

“Oh, my mom sends it to me from home,” Aliara said. “I’ve got plenty in my apartment. Want to come back and try some?”

Teysa’s heart, which had just calmed down from earlier, started thudding again. She could barely mutter her assent.

The cab to Aliara’s place seemed to last forever, but it was only half as long as the elevator ride up. The half-elf lived in a run-down apartment building a couple miles from the city center. Teysa remembered trying to make it on a constable’s pay. She’d had roommates, at least. “Do you live alone these days?” she asked.

Aliara nodded. “I need my space you know? Even in a city this big.”

Her apartment was cramped but cozy. She’d hung tapestries on the walls, all green and brown and orange. Teysa stopped to marvel at the closest one. This wasn’t a tapestry-- it was a living thing, a plant carefully shaped and grown to depict a scene with its flowers and vines. She inhaled deeply and smelled faint loam. “You like it?” Aliara asked, from somewhere ahead of her. “My uncle does them. He’s a bit of a hippy, you know.”

“It’s amazing,” Teysa replied. She turned around in time to see Aliara reaching for her coat. 

“The flowers,” the half-elf prompted. “Into water, quick-quick.”

“Oh!” Teysa thrust them out. “Here, thanks.” She shrugged off her coat and hung it in the closet. “Should I take my shoes off, or…”

She trailed off. Her shoes! She hadn’t changed them! She’d been wearing the boots all night! Cursing inwardly, she fumbled with her laces.  _ How did I not notice? I really am just a big idiot, aren’t I? _

Aliara’s laugh echoed from the kitchenette. “Yeah, those boots are nice, but I just vacuumed. Come on, I’m making  _ caryff _ .”

Teysa, barefoot, padded into the kitchen. Aliara was hard at work over the stove, sprinkling some kind of brown powder into her kettle. She turned to see Teysa looming over her. “Oh! You startled me. You move like a cat, you know.”

Teysa took a step backwards. “Sorry. Didn’t mean to-”

“It’s fine. I like cats.” Aliara laughed again. She poured the kettle’s contents into two ceramic mugs and handed one to Teysa. “Here. Drink up!”

The clinked their mugs together and Teysa tilted hers back. She’d expected it to be scalding, but the  _ caryff _ was merely warm-- just the right temperature, really. Its heat flowed down her throat and blossomed in her stomach, sending warm tendrils through her limbs and tingling her fingertips. “It’s… whoa!” she said, reeling a little. “It really has some kick!”

“That’s the cinnamon,” nodded Aliara. “Good, isn’t it?”

“It’s amazing!” Teysa said, and meant it. “We should have this stuff at the station!”

“Shhh! It’s our secret. No sharing it around.” Aliara cupped her mug in both hands and smiled. “A girl’s gotta have some secrets, right?”

Teysa took a huge swig of the  _ caryff _ and sighed blissfully as it slid down her esophagus. “I dunno, Aliara. You could make a fortune selling this stuff. You could retire on it.”

“What, and quit the force?” Aliara tossed a hand dismissively. “Besides, then I wouldn’t get to see you every day.” She looked up at Teysa and squinted. “Hang on, you’ve got a  _ caryff  _ moustache.”

Teysa looked down. “I-”

Somehow, Aliara was kissing her. It happened so quickly, Teysa wasn’t even sure how it started. One second she was about to ask for a paper towel, the next Aliara’s lips were pressing into hers. The half-elf must have been standing on tiptoe to reach her. One arm still held her  _ caryff _ ; the other wrapped around Teysa’s waist, pulling her close. Aliara’s lips were so soft, so incredibly soft, and they tasted like cinnamon and chocolate. Her tongue, lithe and quick, slid into Teysa’s mouth, and it felt  _ right _ , it felt  _ safe _ , it felt like it had never felt before with anyone. It felt like the way everyone else always talked about kisses, the connection and the passion and the heat of someone else, so close and so immediate in Teysa’s senses. She closed her eyes and kissed back, and she knew she was doing it crudely, kissing like a high school girl, but it didn’t matter. None of it mattered. It took a long, long time for the kiss to break, and when it did, it was Aliara who broke it, standing on her heels again and stepping back.

“I hope that was ok,” she said softly. She reached up with her free hand and cupped Teysa’s cheek. “I’ve wanted to do that for a long time.”

“It was ok,” Teysa said, and winced at the sound of her own voice. “It was more than ok. Aliara, it was… I don’t… I haven’t…”

“Shhhh,” the half-elf said, and took her hand. “Do you want to go to the bedroom?”

It turned out Teysa did.

Afterwards, she lay on a bed that would not stop spinning. The universe had changed. She’d stepped through some secret door, a door in the wall of reality that she hadn’t even suspected was there. And now here she was, in a new world, and she didn’t even know all the rules. At the moment, she knew very little… except that she wanted to feel this way again, soon.

Next to her, Aliara shifted. She was still naked, sweat glistening on her dusky skin. “I guess it’s traditional to offer you a cigarette right now,” the half-elf said, “but I quit last year.” She propped herself up on one elbow. “Was that your first time?”

Teysa flushed. Her pleasant post-coital glow evaporated, to be replaced by an all-too-familiar sinking feeling. “Was it that obvious?” she asked. “Was I that bad?”

“You were fine. Don’t worry about it.” Aliara traced her fingers along Teysa’s inner thigh. It felt so strange to be touched there. To be touched, and to like it… Teysa wasn’t sure she’d ever get used to  _ that _ part. “It’s different with a woman. There’s a learning curve. You’ll get better… with practice.”

“No, I mean…” Teysa swallowed hard. “It was my first time. With, uh,  _ anyone. _ ”

Aliara sat bolt upright. “Really?!” Her eyes widened and her mouth dropped open in an O of shock. “Never?  _ Never?” _

“Never,” Teysa confirmed. “You don’t have to-“

“No, I get it, I get it, I’m sorry,” Aliara said quickly. She drew her knees up to her chest and hugged them close. “But really, never? I didn’t think… I mean,  _ look _ at you, you’re gorgeous, and…  _ how _ old are you?”

“Thirty.” Teysa’s brow furrowed. “Really! Don’t laugh!”

“I’m not!” Aliara said from beneath her hand. “Really, I’m not. But… thirty? Teysa, don’t take this the wrong way. I’m just surprised. You are  _ beautiful.  _ Like, drop-dead. I guess I just assumed you were a real heartbreaker in your 20s.”

“It just never happened,” Teysa said. She was suddenly, awfully self-conscious. She drew the blanket over her legs, up to her neck. “I stopped trying after a while. It was easier.”

Aliara looked suddenly stricken. “Oh God. I didn’t take advantage of you, did I? Teysa, if I had known, I wouldn’t have come on so strong. Jesus, I messed this up, didn’t I?”

Now it was Teysa’s turn to be reassuring. “No. This was good. It felt right. It felt like it was time.” She let the blanket fall. “Maybe I do just need some practice.”

2/14/18

They had a Valentine’s Day routine, Teysa and Aliara did. It had taken them a couple of years to get it just right, but now it was down to a science. The evening started with a romantic dinner at whatever restaurant had gotten the Critic’s Choice award in October of the last year. Why October? It just felt right. After that, they’d take a cab to the park. The centaur-driven carriage rides were always a favorite, and though they were definitely a bit corny, Teysa had discovered in herself a bit of the old-fashioned romantic. They exchanged gifts: flowers from Aliara, and chocolates from Teysa, usually in the biggest and most stereotypical heart-shaped box she could find. They’d split the chocolates during the carriage ride, gorging themselves silly and laughing themselves hoarse. (Not a single chocolate had yet made it to February 15th). Only when their bellies were full and their lipstick was hopeless smeared with chocolate did they retire to Teysa’s brownstone for an evening of slow, casual lovemaking.

Afterwards, Teysa always found herself unbelievably relaxed. It wasn’t just a post-sex thing. There was something about the routine, the familiarity of Valentine’s Day that lulled her into a gentle repose. She lay half-propped-up in bed with Aliara’s head nestled against her chest, her arm wrapped around the other woman’s shoulders. Aliara’s body rose and fell with every breath Teysa took. She ran her fingers through the half-elf’s hair; her braids had come undone during their frantic coupling, and individual strands lay like thin copper wire against Teysa’s fingers.

“Tey?” Aliara asked from somewhere beneath her chin. Teysa tilted her head down.

“Yes, love?”

“Why me?”

Teysa’s brow wrinkled. “What do you mean?”

Aliara extricated herself a little, just enough that she could face Teysa directly. “Why was I your first time? Why me?”

Teysa shrugged. “I dunno. I told you then, it just felt like it was time.”

“But you’d tried with women before?”

“Women and men.” Teysa sighed. “Why does it matter?”

“It doesn’t, not really. I guess I should be flattered. I’m just thinking about us.”

“What about us?” After this long together, Teysa supposed, Aliara had earned the right to a few impertinent questions.

“Well… were you gay the whole time, and you just hadn’t met a girl you liked? Or are you bi? I mean, I’m bi, you know that. It’s not a big deal either way. I was just wondering.”

“Does it matter?” Teysa repeated. “I mean, I dunno. For years I thought I just didn’t want a relationship with  _ anyone _ . Or sex.”

“So you were asexual?”

“I guess,” Teysa admitted. The word seemed to fit as well as any other. “I masturbated, though. When I felt like it. I just didn’t really feel the need to involve other people.”

“But… then you met me. So you’re not asexual anymore?”

“Li, what’s with all the questions?” Teysa sighed. “Are you trying to put me in a box?”

“No!” Aliara looked wounded. “No, it’s just, when I was growing up I learned about gay and straight and bisexual. And I thought I was pretty enlightened! But it turns out there’s a lot more ways to live that I never knew about.”

“I’m just… me,” Teysa said. “You’re just you. I love you. I love having sex with you. Not because you’re a woman, or because you’re a half-elf, or because you’re really annoying. I’m not annoying-sexual. I’m Aliara-sexual.”

“Awww!” Aliara clasped her hands to her heart. “That’s sweet of you to say. I guess I’m Teysa-sexual. But I look around sometimes, and I see people, and I think _damn,_ _I wanna know what’s in his pants_. Or _damn, she’s got a really nice rack_. Not like I’d ever act on it or anything! But, you know, I notice it. Do you ever have those thoughts?”  
  
Teysa thought hard. “I dunno,” she said. “I guess I don’t always pay attention to what I’m thinking. Maybe? Not like I’d ever act on it.”

“Well, you know, you could. If you found someone you really liked.” Aliara turned away, a bashful smirk on her face. “You could introduce them to me, and if I liked them, maybe, I dunno, we could make something happen.”

“Aliara Sylvan!” Teysa said, astonishment and amusement warring across her face. “Are you suggesting-”

“Not suggesting anything!” Aliara said, waving her arms defensively. “Just, it’s a possibility, you know? For someday. Keep your eyes peeled.”

“Sure thing.” Teysa smiled and twirled her fingers through Aliara’s hair again. “I just try to take things one day at a time. Five years ago, I thought I was going to be single my whole life. And I was ok with it, you know? Even now, thinking about it, I’m kind of ok with it. Not that I don’t love being with you! I just don’t think being single is this terrible fate that I should do anything to avoid. Everyone always acts like it is. I just didn’t think about it that much. But then I met you, and I realized that maybe I had another option.”

“Life’s full of options,” Aliara said, turning over onto her back and staring up at Teysa. “I’m glad you picked this one, though. How’s this for an option:  _ caryff _ for two?”

“Sounds wonderful,” Teysa said, and meant it. “And Law and Order is on in ten minutes. You wanna watch with me?”

Aliara rolled her eyes and rolled out of bed. She grabbed her nightdress out of the closet and pulled it on over her head. “I don’t get why you like that show. It’s so shlocky. And hasn’t it been on for like twenty years?”

“Something like that,” Teysa laughed. “It’s in syndication. Come on, watch with me. I think there’s a couple of truffles left.”

“Fine.” Aliara stepped into her slippers. “Meet you in the TV room.”

They huddled together on the couch, sipping  _ caryff _ from big mugs, the big blanket wrapped around both of them. Aliara let her head rest on Teysa’s shoulder. Law and Order was a rerun, but it was a good one, so that was ok. Outside, the late winter wind vented its wrath, but inside they were warm and toasty. “You know,” Aliara said, as the commercials came on and Teysa hit mute, “there’s this drider I heard about the other week. Rich as hell. She goes to clubs sometimes…”

Valentine’s Day came just once a year. First Teysa had loved it, then feared it, then simply didn’t care. Now it was a special day again. She wasn’t sure if that would last forever, but she planned to enjoy it for as long as she could.


End file.
